How To Remember
by UnbelievablyAwkward
Summary: After a terrible accident, Kyle and Stan's friendship takes a turn for the worse leaving the two who seemed inseparable now lost. Can they both find who they used to be and overcome this obstacle? Or will it break them? I suck at summaries, please read and enjoy!


My sneakers broke the thin surfaces of murky sidewalk puddles as I ran. They rippled, distorting my frantic figure before settling down and pooling up higher from the pounding raindrops assaulting the world around me. I gritted my teeth as the splintering cold rain cut into my skin like needles, the heavy sheets of water blurring my the world that I could still somewhat see beneath the dim streetlights lining the sidewalks, their glow piercing through the black. I ignore the pelting ran, barely caring enough to even risk a stop to pull my hoodie up and shield my head, simply left it to dangle and bounce against my back.

I just couldn't manage to focus on anything else other than the raging electricity of fear running like ice cold water through my veins, blinding me. Fear.

Maybe, I was scared at the realization that I should be grounded grudgingly in my room, not running in the rain at 12:00 o'clock at night.

Maybe, I was scared of the realization of how dark and alone I was, sprinting past alleyways and dark houses, my destination farther out on the outskirts of our small town.

Maybe, I was scared because of the blooming crimson flowers spreading over my clothes and staining my paled skin anywhere the thick hot blood touched.

Maybe, I was scared for the limp figure of a boy hanging by a thin thread in my arms.

Maybe, I was scared because the limp figure was not just some boy I had no connection with... But because this boy held the title of my best friend.

Kyle Broflovski.

I gulped and spared a daring glance down to him, and nearly felt my racing heart slam to a screeching halt as my raged breathing hitched and my eyes widened.

The skin of his face was so white and frail looking, I was afraid that if I touched it, it would fall apart before me. Blood sprinkled his face like freckles would around a child's nose and grew thicker and more clustered when met with his fiery red curls matching the foul liquid. But I guess the real scare was the gash ripping across his skin at the top of his head, wrapping around grotesquely. My fingers had been clutching it tightly, hoping that it would help slow down the blood pumping through, and as I pulled to a stop beneath a flickering lamppost I felt my stomach flip and twist as the dark liquid covered my fingertips and dribbled down in little rivers around my hands before dripping off. I watched the droplets sail through the frigid Colorado breeze before splattering to the snow covered ground in a series of muted thunks.

The color seeped into the pure white, and blackened the gentle crystals, destroying their elegant beauty. I stared down numbly at the blood beneath me and slowly turned, my body trembling as I saw the trail of droplets from behind us where I had been running. They disappeared into the black of the night, melting out of the picture by the haze of sleet and rain and the inky black darkness that threatened to suck me in whole.

I blinked rapidly, and slowly crumpled down to my knees, holding him gently in my lap, as if afraid that when he touched the ground he would shatter. I felt utterly helpless as his head lolled over, and quickly reached down, taking my jacket off and ignored how the blistering cold nipped at my skin and sent goosebumps exploding up my now bare arms. I then held his head tenderly, like a baby, and wrapped my jacket around his head, a poor excuse of a tourniquet. His face crinkled as I pushed the fabric up hard against his wound and he let out a broken groan. I felt my lungs constrict and my wheezing air stop as I let my wide eyes glance over his face.

I flinched and nearly reared back when I felt a sudden touch from him send ignited sparks of fright and hope from the delicate caress. I slowly turned my head to see his gloved hand slowly trailing up my arm, shaking slightly like it may have been having trouble. With featherlight touches it continued up before I brought a equally shaking hand and stopped his hands ascent with mine, enveloping his fingers with my own. He swallowed deeply and squeezed, clenching hard as if his life depended on it. He fidgets, his mouth falling open as if he were preparing to speak. I swallow the heavy lump in my throat and lean forward, pressing my reddened my ear to his cold lips. He doesn't say anything though, and I bite my lip and hold back the helpless tears that prick the back of my eyes.

"It's- It's going to b- be okay Kyle... Your going to be f-fine."

I stutter as I get back to a stiff standing position, cringing as my knees wobble and threaten to send me crumpling back to the ground. I feel my heart twist like someone began to wring out the water from a wet towel, and bite my lip hard enough to bleed. I cling him closer to my chest and continue putting pressure on his wound, praying to the black that I was still holding blood back, that he still had some of inside him.

No Stan... He's going to be okay... Stop thinking negative. Think how Kyle's positivity reflects on you when you fall and he seems to always be waiting to lift you back up to your feet. Think about how Super Best Friends always stick together and this is nothing but a bump in the road.

Don't think about how much blood hes lost. How much of it lies in the snow behind you, tainted and red. Don't think about his heart stopping, think about how much you love the way it thumps in the silence when the two of you would sleep over, how he always let his conscious slip away first and you let your eyes flutter close to its soothing lullaby. Don't think about how pale he is, how much color slowly drains from his skin, think about how much you loved it when he blushed like a mad man when he got in trouble at school and home, like he was still a little 4th grader. Don't think about what life would be like when he's gone, think about how you two could joke about it when he recovers, and you can hug him tight to your chest because of how scared for him you'd been, apologize for all those things you said, but remember to nail him a good one in the arm for scaring the living shit out of you too.

Don't think about walking to his grave everyday to give him flowers and cry over the freshly packed dirt, think about how much fun you two had when you slipped into the graveyard last Halloween and he scared you by hiding deceitfully behind that old broken up headstone and jumped out when you approached, making growling noises and had you down on your butt scooting away and screaming.

I start sprinting on again, trying not to allow morbid thoughts pile up on my already heavy conscious, and try to push them away. I did my best to replace them with happy thoughts of Kyle in his big, dumb, green hat and how much we both loved to spend our Saturdays together running ramped through the neighborhood and brainstorming on how much chaos we could lay upon our small mountain town and relish over the after effects. Spending sleepless nights together on our PlayStation and chowing down on heavy amounts of pizza that it simply couldn't be healthy.

Don't let those be just heartache memories Stan.

My feet slap the ground beneath me as I race around corners blindly but seeing the world as if it was a sunny afternoon. I know this dumb town like the back of my hand, and even with the dark I can still weave down the sidewalks like an expert, taking occasional shortcuts through peoples yards and ignoring glances I get from outside of lit windows as my silhouetted figure runs past. I hear the familiar sounds of cars crunching over gravel and honking their horns noisily in the more crowded section of town straight ahead, and I let out my held breath. I swallow, my dry throat cracking from the cold air assaulting my lungs in a series of burning sensations and note how bad my asthma maybe acting up, and risk a croaky cough, thankful when it doesn't morph into a fit.

I arm away the rain that plasters my dark black hair to my forehead before pausing on the sidewalk making sure I'm on course and no one is speeding down the road before running across the streets pavement to the other side. I then made a quick left, my feet pounding the concrete so fast beneath me I swear I thought I was floating, on the verge of giving on more kick before taking flight.

But as I lift my heavy head feeling as though a pound of lead sat in my skull instead of a brain, I suddenly felt my lead filled head and limbs turn feather light and an unbelievably satisfying relief bring a ghost of a smile dancing over my lips.

Hellspass Hospital sat straight ahead, beckoning me closer with its warm lit glow on the inside, the dark building scaling high off the ground, its capital red letters glowing over the overhang. I take a shaky breath and can't help but give a forced laugh, and look down at Kyle. That's when my heart sinks down to my stomach and shatters like frail glass against a rocky cliff, its millions of shards lost to the roaring ocean waves below.

The hand that had been clutching my hand in desperate plea slowly unclenched and slid down ever so slowly before falling limp to his side. His breathing went from shallow to literally silent, now nothing more than a whisper of air between his lips. His pale skin lost even the slightest of blush and grew so white that I could of sworn he was nothing but a ghost in my arms.

I shook my head hurriedly, shaking him gently in my arms with the lightest of nudges. I feel a shiver, a tremor of an emotion I couldn't quite explain trail up my spine like icy fingers.

"NO! Kyle please no! We're almost there! Don't die you hear me!?"

I tell him, surprised when I feel a tear slip between the cracks in the dam of my eyes, dancing from beneath my lashes and cascading down my red cheek. It dripped down, evading the other water droplets clinging to my skin before dripping off my chin and splattering against his forehead. That's when a word, so quite I barely caught it, came from him and I felt my heart race like a wild bird trapped in a cage that had my fear being beaten down and away.

"Stan?"

He seemed to ask, his eyebrows curling and scrunching confused. I smiled wide, glad I'm getting some sort of communication letting me know he's still here, and that's all the courage I need. I then begin to hurriedly run to the hospital, my eyes remaining locked on his face as I give a curt nod as if he could see me.

"Yes! Ky its me. Its me, Its Stan. I'm right here, and I'm getting h- help okay? Your going to be okay Ky... Y- your going to be just fine. Just stay here. Please goddammit don't go..."

I felt my voice cracking as I try to keep talking to him, the distance between me and Hellspass getting smaller and smaller. I run across yet another busy street, this time not bothering to spare glances both ways. Headlights illuminate us and I swear I hear people gasp as cars brake to a screeching stop to avoid hitting us. Some swerve around as I squeeze my eyes close and don't dare to stop, my pace never faltering even as people scream colorful words at me through their rolled down windows and threaten to pummel my face in. I ignored their enraged bellows. Instead, I focus on trying to keep talking to him, afraid that if I stop he'll slip away. I quickly scope the files in my head, trying to grasp something to talk to him about, anything. When everything comes back as white and blank, I simply blurt out the first memory that comes to mind, something from back when we were younger.

"Remember uhm... Remember that time we were all hanging out and playing 'Knights' in my backyard back in 5th grade and- and Kenny got you with his 'sword' and you fake died? Remember when Cartman laughed and said no one would really cared if you died for real and you brushed it off, but when you slept over that night you cried? Remember when I hugged you and told you that I would care? Remember how I told you that if anything happens to you it happens to me?

After each sentence I feel my heart tear and desperately try to sew itself back up before another sentence tears it open once again. I clench my fingers tight and hold him close, pausing before continuing.

"Well that was all true Kyle! I would be so lost if you died, there would be nothing left because your like one of the best things to me in this shitty town! Please hang on for _ME_ if not you! Please! I didn't mean what I said Kyle... Back there when you- you fell. I was angry at myself, I'm an asshole... and when you g- get better you can tell me yourself. Okay? Deal? Please Kyle..."

I beg him, mildly aware of the dams in the back of my eyes crumbling weakly, allowing all of my built up tears to pour from them in heavy downpours. I refuse to hold back the chocked sob from the back of my throat as memories flash over my vision in vivid sequences. I remember when he consoled in me, about what Cartman said, I didn't hesitate to pull him into my arms and wrap my arms tightly around his back. I remember his shocked face, his eyes widening from the sudden embrace, but he soon let his tensed shoulders slowly fall and relax. I remember him balling the back of my jacket in his fists as he buried his face in my shoulder, tears soaking the fabric of my shirt and his curly red hair tickled the side of my face. I remember hugging him back harder and enjoying the closeness, and how warm he felt so close to me.

Now hes so close again. Except now he's so cold.

I look up to see a blurry picture of the double doors, welcoming me closer beyond my veil of tears. I hug him close to my chest as I push past two women walking incredibly slow behind me, and cringing as one spins and nearly topples down until her friend quickly rushes to her side to keep her steady. They glare ahead at me as I rush through the double doors at unstoppable speed, slightly relieved that the glass hadn't spider webbed and shattered from my palm slamming on its sleek side so hard. I pushed it open before stumbling inside clumsily.

The commotion from my uncharacteristically loud entrance has everyone's attentions directed towards me. The patients waiting to be called in for their appointment had all been sitting in cushioned seats reading magazines set out for them or were chatting quietly amongst each other. All of those side activities came to an abrupt stop as they all glance over to see what made the noise. I can't help but notice the paling of a few's faces and how large their eyes grew as they stared at me.

I understand their utter shock though, because as I stand wheezing in air hungrily as if my lungs were collapsing, and holding the bloody body of a limp boy in my arms, I must be quite the grotesque sight. My bloodshot, puffy red eyes from crying and the wet dripping state of my clothes, dirty from sloshed mud and tainted with Kyles blood. Even the desperate way I stood, stiff and trembling as I took clumsy steps forward, my eyes pleading with the people around me.

"Please! S- somebody h- help! He's hurt!"

I cry, stumbling towards the plump woman seated in a rolling chair at the front desk. Her glasses hang off her protruding nose and I can see the fear in them. She swallows heavily and even scoots back as I stumble towards her, thrusting Kyles body to her and begging. Another nurse comes into view behind the desk, obviously confused over what could be causing the fuss, but her body stops and freezes like everyone else when she gets sight of me. The first plump lady swallows the lump in her throat and quickly whispers something in the other nurses ear, before ushering her out of the room which she did with one last lingering look at me. I watch as she sprints off down the hall and stare around me confused.

"Please! You don't understand! He's dying I-"

"Sir. I need you to calm down okay? We're getting you and your friend help but you are scaring everyone. I need to ask you to please take a seat until we get the doctors in here."

The lady asks sternly, bringing her hands out as if she were dealing with a deranged mutt than a desperate boy with his best friend dying in his arms. I look around me to see a mother grabbing at her young daughter and whisking her into her arms, covering her eyes as she watches me. A few people even stand and slowly back to the far end of the room, their brows furrowed as I stand, swaying back and forth in the middle of the pure white office. The gentle thunks from droplets of blood slapping against the white tile beneath me, filling the silence that clogged the air, the tension didn't help with anything either.

That's when the sound of a door being slammed open had me whipping on my heels, pulling Kyle to me protectively. I saw that the doors with the sign "Emergency" highlighted bold above them swung open with an ear deafening slam causing me to flinch away slightly. I watched numbly as four men dressed in scrubs as white as the snow laying frozen outside slid into view, a gurney being rolled between them as their black shoes pounded the tile in echos. They came toward us so fast, I was suddenly afraid that they might be having too much momentum to stop before running both of us over and I jumped back. They stopped though, the gurneys wheels screeching as the four men turned and stared at me expectantly, their eyes lingering on my face before looking down at Kyle and I honestly couldn't help but pull his head closer protectively.

One of the men steps forward, his grey hair thinned nearly bald on the top of his head, and his dark green eyes remind me horribly of Kyles. I narrow my eyes at him as he shares a glance with another man at his side before turning back to me and ever so slowly reaching out his hands. I jerk back, staring down at his thrust out arms confused before realization dawns over me that he wants Kyle. I don't move, simply stare down at his hands with suspicion and give him a hard look. He sighs and smiles gentle and reassuringly.

"It's alright... We'll take care of him, I promise."

He says tentatively, yet his voice sounds so loud in the deathly quiet waiting room. Somewhere inside of me, I feel it slightly soothe me, and I could hear the sincerity and honesty lacing into each calm word. It pulled out the knots of my insides and relieving some of the built up pressure. I swallow and glance down at my best friend once more, noting how small and fragile he looks, delicate like a baby. I feel my jaw tense and feel another painful tear slides down my cheek creating a clear path through the dirt caking my skin before plopping off down onto his white forehead. I feel my fingers clench and I bite my lip before averting my eyes to some painting hanging on one of the walls and let my arms guide his bruised form over to the mans arms, pausing in mid air before lowering him and pulling my shaky arms away.

The man nods with pursed lips before turning and slowly setting him on the gurney. They then pull out and wrap an oxygen mask around his head, the strap getting lost in his mangle of red curls. I stare at his broken form and cringe when I see them pull my jacket away from his bleeding head, watching numbly as the crimson blooms over the white sheets of the gurney. One of the men steps forward and hands me the bloody mass of my crumpled up jacket before they both get to their sides and race off back down the hallway, speaking fast and sharply to each other, heading on back down the way they came, disappearing past the doors and leaving me feeling cold.

As I'm left back with only the silence I feel my legs finally give out beneath me. I crumple to my knees my breathing raged as I bow my head and gaze blankly down at Kyles blood still sticking to my hands, seeping into the deep crevices of my fingertips and staining them with the horrid memory.

The memory...

* * *

_"Wow, someones serious."_

_I say sarcastically as Kyle stands shivering outside my window, hugging his thin arms around himself and blinking away little raindrops that catch against his eyelashes and grins up at me with those emerald green eyes. He had barged up into my yard 15 minutes earlier tossing pebbles up at my window until I managed to hear them after a pause between the rock music blaring through my headphones speakers. As I went and opened my window confused, I spotted his figure holding a handful of gravel and a goofy smile lining his lips as he gave an awkward wave. After many attempts of trying to shoo him away due to the storm and dark clouds raging over our little town and the equally terrifying fear of my mom finding out about us talking and ground me for another week. He continually refused, claiming he had something to tell me incredibly important and refused to back off and leave until he got it out, and dismissed me asking him to tell me right here._

_"Deadly, do you at least have a ladder?"_

_I roll my eyes and can't help but pinch the bridge of my nose and give him an incredulous look. He wipes some excess snot from his red runny nose, no doubt giving himself a nasty cold from standing outside in the blistering frigid rain and whistling Colorado wind. He honestly stares up at me like a kicked puppy, pouting out his lip and I can't help but feel a crooked smile curve the sides of my lips up. I roll my eyes and plop my head down on my crossed arms leaning over the window sill side._

_"Your impossibly hardheaded you know that?"_

_"Yeah, yeah give me a ginger- joke and tell me where your dad keeps the ladder jackass."_

_He says with a dismissive wave of his hand. I can't help but snort at that and shake my head._

_"Why can't you just sneak in through the front door? My parents fucking trust you better than anyone I know. They'll let you in to see me and then you can tell me whats so damn important."_

_He starts to consider before his face contorts in that way that makes him seem much younger. He shakes his head and looks back up at me with a pleading look._

_"For one thing, your parents left an hour ago to some town meeting and they left your sister in charge. Second, I already tried and she told me, and I quote, 'Screw off turd.' Then plugged her ear buds back in and slammed the door in my face. So I'm improvising."_

_Kyle says, mocking her voice with his hands planted on his hips. I throw my head back and laugh knowingly. I see Kyles eyes gleam a little when I laugh and for some weird reason I instinctively blush as he watches me. I finally calm down and acknowledge his small form beneath me._

_"Ugh, I think the stupid things leaning up against the garage. Dad was trying to use it the other day to get my football we tossed up their off the roof. NOW I remember why you don't do football."_

_I say, earning a cute childish glare and him sticking his tongue out at me before he turns and scurries off to find the ladder. I watch him run off, melting away into the black and I'm suddenly aware of my heart racing in my chest. I feel my brows furrow as I bring a tentative hand up to place it over the thumping beat. Why's it beating so damn fast? I'm confused by the fluttering in my chest and feel a crooked smile spread over my face. Suddenly, I hear a distant clang followed by a suppressed "OOF!" I feel my heart rate increase beneath my fingers, worse than before and not the good kind. My eyes widen as I lean out, my eyes darting wildly as the cold wind whiplashes over my cheek and blows my free hair in every direction._

_"Kyle!?"_

_I whisper yell frantically, fear consuming me when a pregnant pause fills the air and no answer returns. I was on the verge of toppling out the window from how far half of my body was hanging out and I squint looking around in the black in desperation. That's when I hear a faint dragging sound followed by heavy grunts and groans. A figure slowly appears through the blurry rain and growing darkness, and I let out an utter relieved sigh to see Kyle having difficulties dragging a heavy ladder. He digs his heels in and grits his teeth as he yanks it through the pure white snow for awhile before finally dropping it at the foot of my window and settling his hands on his knees panting heavily. I smirk, pulling myself back in from the window and let my head rest on my hand, my elbow propped up on the sill._

_"Having difficulties my fair knight Kyle?"_

_I say through a chuckle earning another accusingly glare from him as he stands and cracks his back._

_"Well I don't see you doing any of the work. Mrs. Rapunzel, why not let your hair down?"_

_"Ooh... I dunno, I just got it done... Your probably gonna have to try being heroic and get your knightly ass up here alone."_

_"Grr..."_

_He mutters beneath his breath before gripping the ladder again agitatedly and pulling it up, preparing to lean it up to my window. It wobbled in the air, and I could see him cringing as he stumbled clumsily, cursing beneath his breath as he ever so slowly made his way over and and propped it up. It hit the wood with a rattling clank and I jumped back when the frozen metal narrowly missed my exposed finger. He pants and looks back up with another apologetic look an slight shrug. I roll my eyes and reach out, helping him out by gripping the ladders end._

_He pauses, and I could see his hesitation as he slowly lifted a boot from the ground and held his breath as he took the first step onto the ladder. He pauses with it like that, gently putting his weight onto it just to make sure before he grinned and looked up at me._

_"See? P- Piece of-"_

_That's when his foot slides against the slippery surface and he yelps nearly falling backward before he grips and catches himself at the last second, gripping the metal white knuckled as he takes a shuddering breath. He quickly leans in closer to the metal and hugging it as he squeezes his eyes closed. I hadn't realized I had been holding my breath before I let it out in a whoosh, my heart giving a frightened skip as I clenched the bars. My smirk faded immediately and became a serious taut line as I stared down at him. He ever so slowly pulls away and lets his eyes blink back open, staring up at me with a reassuring crooked smile that was anything but believable._

_"Cake." He finishes._

_I have a sudden change of heart, and the thought of him continuing on up scares me much more than being caught grounded. I shake my head as he smiles up at me._

_"Kyle. I seriously don't think you should be doing this... Please get down, you can tell me tomorrow okay? It can wait whatever it is."_

_I say to him sternly as he gulps. I see his shoulders stiffen and his jaw tense as he shakes his head hurriedly, his eyes squeezing close as if he were holding back an ocean of tears. I feel my heart lighten when he looks back up, but his emerald eyes show fierceness and determination more than anything._

_"No... I- I have to tell you now or- or... Just let me get to your room it'll be okay."_

_He says through gritted teeth, staring me down in a silent challenge. He then, without breaking eye contact, takes another stiff step up. I feel my eyes widen and I shake my head._

_"Kyle. Get off the ladder."_

_"No."_

_He responds again, taking another fateful step up. I feel my breathing grow choppy as I watch him ascend two more steps now only 5 away from reaching my bedroom window. As Kyle steps up a little to fast on another, his foot slips again but this time he steadies himself faster, pulling his arm away for a second so he could arm the curly red locks soaked with water peeking beneath his green hat out of his eyes. I get more forceful now, my voice raising._

_"Kyle please! Just get down now."_

_My voice betrayed me and cracked sounding more afraid and worried then angry and stern. I could see him falter then, his snarl turning into a confused and guilty grimace. A heavy silence falls between us, our eyes locked and mine trying to show deep words that I just couldn't seem to form. He finally averted his eyes to the ground, his bravado deflating and his mouth falling into a loose frown. I feel my heart twist and I smile gently._

_"Kyle it's-"_

_Thats when, in the midst of my words, a heavy wind curled in from the side, catching me completely off guard. I could hear wind chimes clanging loudly from down the street and saw the twigs and branches growing off the large tree began to snap and crackle like the sound a log makes when you toss it onto a fire, but these much more devastating. My words die on the tip of my tongue when I lose grip on the ladder and the crusted and rusty metal slipped from between my fingertips like a slippery fish. I gasped and swiped my hand out, grappling at empty air in a poor attempt of regaining my hold. The ladder creaked and groan before slowly tipping backwards._

_Kyles eyes widened as he looked up and made eye contact with me, his face paling as he slowly left the safety of the side of my house. Before I could register my movements I was springing forward, near close to plummeting down with him, but my right hand reached back at the last moment and miraculously caught the sill just in time. My fingers nearly slipped from the coat of rain caking the wood, but I gritted my teeth and clenched tighter ignoring the feeling of ripping tearing through my tender arm._

_That's when, as I was swatting the air wildly with my free hand, it seemed to have a mind of its own, and caught onto something wet and warm and I clasped down hard. I hadn't realized my eyes were squeezed shut, too afraid to look fate in the eyes as I hung by a thread out the window. I felt the weight of whatever I was clasping onto pull me down harder, and I grunted through gritted teeth before ever so slowly blinking one eye open to stare down at what I'm grasping. I nearly gasp._

_Kyle._

_His hand clings tightly to mine, and as sudden lightning cracks its zig- zag whip across the dark sky, I see the light reflect off his widened scared eyes staring up into mine. I hear the distant clang of the ladder clatter to the driveway beneath us, but I can barely hear much of anything else other than my rapid heartbeat in my ears. Kyles legs kick in the air as he looks down at how far below the ground is and yelps shivering beneath me. I try not to focus on how far everything is and try to keep my attention on my window above us, my arms strength slowly diminishing and growing weaker, my fingers slipping closer to the edge. I shake away the rain gathering in droplets on my face and desperately try to yank both of us back up, frantically slamming my feet against the side of our house and hearing my sneakers slip off with high pitched squelches._

_"STAN!"_

_Kyle cries below me and I whip my head around to see tears flowing down his cheeks, his puffy and bloodshot eyes stare up at me helplessly. A sinking feeling of helplessness begins to hang in my stomach with realization of our dire situation. I hear Kyle sobbing beneath me and I lift my head up, trying to stay calm when all I want to do is scream. I yell like a madman for my sister, or anyone that would be mad enough to be sloshing through the muck in this weather other than Kyle. My throat burns from my vocal chords shredding through my voice ripping through it like knives. My few attempts remain futile as the wind carries our cries off into the night, swallowed whole as we dangle._

_Suddenly, I feel my fingers begin to slip more and more closer to the edge and I feel my body playing tug- of- war between my best friend and the only destination of safety. I cringe and bite my lip hard enough to taste blood and try one last time to lift Kyle up but feel my arm shake and tremble from the exertion before jerking back down. I hang my head, feeling stress fill me as we slip farther over and I have to avert my eyes as Kyle tries to search my somber expression._

_"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..."_

_Kyle whimpers over and over, tightening his fingers around my hand, our fingers lacing together in a tight hold. I suddenly feel my built up adrenaline stored deep inside morph into nasty hateful rage and I whip my head back around, my eyes blazing with fire as I a snarl and glare his way._

_"You should be Kyle! Goddammit this is all your fucking fault! I told you to get down, but no! You had to be a stubborn prick and show off!"_

_I spit down at him my face portraying no sympathy or feeling as I watch his face turn, taken aback and conflicted with pain as he stares up at me. I feel my pinky slide off, my ring finger in close toe as we begin to slowly prepare for downfall and descent, but I can barely see through the veil of red. I can still feel the broil in my blood, bubbling up to my mouth where hateful words spill out without monologue or second thoughts, and I find I'm having trouble withholding myself._

_"YOU'RE ALWAYS SCREWING UP, ALWAYS CRYING ABOUT THINGS WHEN I HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO CLEAN UP YOUR STUPID PIECE OF SHIT LIFE WHEN IT FALLS APART!"_

_The words exploded from my throat like venom through a snakes fangs, and I felt it burn off some of the steam and adrenaline. I watch as he flinches after each word, his breathing hitching after each syllable as I poured out things that I didn't really mean, things I was just accusing him of because I felt he should be ashamed. So I bared my teeth and continued._

_"I'VE ALWAYS BEEN THERE EVEN WHEN I DIDN'T WANT TOO, AND NOW BECAUSE OF YOU THIS HAPPENS. YOU WANNA SOLVE A LITTLE MATH EQUATION NOW TO GET US OUT OF THIS?! THAT'S ALL IT SEEMS YOUR GOOD AT! I WISH I'D NEVER MET YOU, I HATE YOU KYLE BROFLOVSKI! DAMMIT I HATE YOU!"_

_As soon as that last sentence escaped my lips I can't even begin to explain the regret that turned my heart to heavy stone and sucked the oxygen from my lungs. The intense yelling stopped abruptly from me as I stared down in dismay at him, watching as I could see so many emotions shatter and die behind those green eyes, and a dim flicker of light squash from the meaning of my words. I watched as his bottom lip quivered and a heavy coat of tears fill his eyes, but most of all... I saw the shell of a boy who had just been laughing with me outside my window._

_He doesn't say anything for awhile, but slowly lets his heavy head hang as his tightened grip loosens on my hand. I suddenly gasp and hold on harder as he begins to fall away. I want to rewind, take back those nasty things I said... But I know that can't be done._

_"Kyle-"_

_He cuts me off with a look of menace as he turns his head back up to me._

_"I- I came here Stan... I came here to fucking tell you I-"_

_Then, something so horrible and uncharacteristically life changing altered in those few seconds Kyle began to manage to croak his last words between his lips._

_My hand lost grip on Kyles hand._

_The water than rained and thundered down upon us slipped between our fingers and wetted them like grease, slick and slippery. His fingertips brushed over my hand for a split second as he lost grip and fell. Everything slowed down, instead of a blur, I watched in slow motion as my friend plummeted beneath me, his hands grappling blindly in the air as he soared and flipped. I felt my heart rampage to a stop as something hard and sharp held it in a tight terse grip, refusing to let it go as I cried out his name._

_His name..._

_His body hit the ground, a sickening thunk as he collapsed on his back, his head smashing and cracking like the sound of a M- 80 firecracker does when you light the fuse and watch it pop. His limbs crumpled around him as went utterly limp, his face lolling over to the side in the thin crust of white snow. White snow that was slowly turning red._

_After that, I remember feeling my fingers slip and I fell to the earth too, but as Kyle had met pavement, I met a bramble of dead bushes and snow he narrowly missed, my left foot taking the worst of the impact. I was so numb though, I could barely feel the broken bone and heavy sprain on my leg, much less the realization I was freezing from the storm gathering speed and snow. All I could do was quickly right myself to a stand, cringing at the hot pain that exploded up my leg like needles, but shrugging it off and limping to his side._

_And as soon as I caught sight of his head, gashed open with a large pool of musty blood encircling it, I felt myself break down in so many ways, I swear a part of me fell off a side of a cliff and died._

_"Kyle?"_

* * *

"K- Kyle...?"

The last thing I remember was collapsing to my knees, my cotton filled head replaying gut wrenching events like a broken record, skipping back to the worst parts like a sick joke. Nurses and people crowded around me, crying frantically to each other as my vision began to blur and I swayed back and forth before collapsing heavily on my back.

"Sir? Sir are you alright?!"

One of the nurses called, but I could barely move my lips to answer, the effort was much to tiring. The ground was cool and nice, and even though I was having trouble comprehending the faces coming into view above me, shrouded by the flourescent lighting that their heads blocked like an eclipse, I could feel it getting brighter and brighter as my lids began to slowly flutter closed. The echoey words grew distant and faint before fading away, and I relished the content quite that settled down on me.

Thats when a single image floated up into my thoughts right before I lost all conciousness, and I found a smile curving up on my lips.

Kyle and I were laughing and posing for a picture down in the mountains when we had both been out enjoying our vacation. Before we had left, we had went around school and rubbed it in everyones faces about how we were going to go skiing down the trickiest and steepest hills littered with random pine trees and rocks. It claimed to be the scariest, and people who even tried were handed their death sentence. Of course, our parents got us and dragged our whinning and kicking butts away before we actually managed to attempt, but we both agreed to brag and boast with little lies at school when people questioned. But the one thing that stuck and embroided itself to the side of my brain was Kyle and I hugging and laughing for the millionth picture my mom snapped of us that day, and just as my mom conted down from 3, 2, 1... Kyle tugged me closer and whispered in my ear.

_"I love you..."_

Then, the memory faded and I was aware of nothing at all.


End file.
